


Paul McGann Doesn't Count

by burntcopper



Category: Queer as Folk (UK)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-09
Updated: 2011-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-23 14:19:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntcopper/pseuds/burntcopper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vince doesn't want to be Stuart's consolation prize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paul McGann Doesn't Count

Vince gets Stuart home after a night out. He doesn't know what he's taken, but it's bad enough that Stuart went from semi-sober to stumbling over his own feet in twenty minutes. Up the lift, then prop him against the wall while he opens the door. He pretty much has to drag Stuart in and pour him into his bed, removing his shoes, trousers and shirt, because Stuart *hates* sleeping in his clothes. Always has.

He's pulling up the covers when Stuart mumbles something, so he shifts closer to hear. "What was that, Stuart?"

Next thing he knows, a hand appears on the back of his neck, pulling him into a short kiss. No tongue, but nice. Stuart lets him go, and Vince raises his head a little uncertainly. "Paul McGann doesn't count." Stuart says, a little blearily. "Remember that, Vince." Then he's out like a light.

Vince finishes pulling the covers up, bemused. "What are you like, Stuart?" He says to his sleeping mate.

\---

A week later, Vince stares in the direction of a silver-shirted bloke who's looking a bit pouty, but has already spotted his next target. Then he looks back at Stuart, who's leaning against the railing. "Stuart, I can't believe you let that shag go! He was gagging for it!"

Stuart shrugs, unconcerned. "Fuck 'im, he'll be there another night. I want to dance."

"Suppose it's not like you can't pick up another later." Vince says, a little bemused, but follows Stuart onto the dancefloor.

\----

A fortnight and several potential shags given the brush-off later, Vince Tyler is feeling that all is not right with the world. For a start, Stuart Alan Jones has him trapped on the sofa, after they came back from a club where once again Stuart was brushing off shags to dance with Vince. Right now he's trying to get his head round what Stuart's demanding.

"Vince, I've been throwing myself at you for weeks, how can you be so blind?"

Vince blinks. "You have?"

"Starting with that bloody wedding of your sister's and you fobbed me off with 'early start tomorrow'. I practically offer it to you on a plate since then and you don't even fucking notice! You'd notice if any other man did a fraction of what I've been doing, and even you'd have been able to get a shag from that!"

"Yeah, but you're Stuart." Vince says weakly. "I thought you were just teasing."

"Fuck off then if I'm not appreciated."

"You are, honest, I just didn't -"

"Fuck it." Stuart says, straddling Vince's lap and snogging him, cutting off his stammering.

After a minute or so, Vince forcibly pulls back, breathing heavily. Stuart on a mission is ... impressive. Vince's head's spinning because of an entirely different reason than being out of breath, though. "So. Er. Why?" He asks plaintively.

Stuart rolls his eyes, looking exasperated. "Because I fancy you. Because you're dead good-looking, as you put it. Your mum's getting tired of us dancing round since we were 14 and I'm putting her mind to rest." He reaches up, thumbs Vince's lower lip. "Because one day I turned round and realised all the shags that wanted me were boring as fuck and you were the only one the least bit interesting. Because you made me learn every bloody Doctor in order, and I'm still around, not being sensible enough to run screaming when I first realised you were that obsessed." He shakes his head, then leans his forehead against Vince's, shifting his hand to the back of Vince's neck and continues "Because you're you, Vince. Don't ask me about when or why or any of that bollocks, or I'll tell the police it was fully justified and they'll agree with me."

"Um. Got it." Vince says. He knows it's not sinking in. That'll probably take until at least four in the morning. He moves the hand he used to push Stuart away to the back of Stuart's neck, mirroring his pose. They sit there for what feels like a good few minutes before Stuart shifts his hands to fist in Vince's shirt, pulling him forward a bit while Stuart ducks his head to suck on his neck, moving down to his collarbone. Vince tilts his head back and groans. Maybe one day he'll regret telling Stuart about that exact spot, but right now? His hindbrain was ganging up on him and pointing out that he had plenty of time *later* to regret this. Operative word being 'later'. For now, it was taking the driving seat, thankyou very much, and it learnt to drive at the exact same place Hazel did. While he's recovering from the attack on his collarbone, Stuart's moved from there to a sort of roving, licking, light sucking and mouthing across his neck and jawline with occasional forays back to Vince's collarbones, but only licking there. Vince's hindbrain nudges him and holds up a large sign saying 'reciprocation' and that Braille would be the best language to use right now. The rest of his brain is firmly agreeing with this.

Vince moves his hand from the back of Stuart's neck, and coasts both his hands down Stuart's back, across the shiny material, pulling at the bottom there before giving up and coming round to the front and attacking the shirt's buttons from the bottom up. His fingers fumble, but recover before he does any damage, knowing as he does that Stuart likes this shirt, and would exact vengeance for any damage done. Soon enough it's open all the way, and he's coasting his hands over Stuart's chest, tweaking the nipples, which makes Stuart hiss and tense slightly, before bringing one hand up to bury itself in Stuart's hair, using that to pull his head up so he can get at Stuart's mouth, the other moving down to attack Stuart's belt.

Stuart pulls back a bit, smirking. "Bit eager, aren't we, Vince?"

Vince flushes slightly. "You started it."

"That's right, I did." He shrugs out of his shirt, climbs off Vince's lap, but not before grinding against him slightly. Still smirking, the bastard, but he holds out his hand to Vince once he's standing, head cocked to one side. Vince stares, a little frozen. Stuart beckons with his fingers. "Coming, Vince?"

Vince swallows, grabs Stuart's hand and gets up, then grins. "Well, not yet..."

"Very funny, you little fucker." Stuart says as he leads the way to his bedroom.

\----

Vince wakes up, blinking in the dark, feeling the weight of someone half-sprawled over him. He fumbles for the bedside light, or at least he's hoping there's one here. Fortunately, his fingers find what feels like a light switch pretty quickly, and he clicks it on. The light reveals Stuart's bedroom. Must've fallen asleep on the bed when he was tucking Stuart in. However, bare skin against bare skin makes itself known, as do the couple of used condoms in the bin next to the bed, not to mention the slightly sore muscles that got a real work-out last night. Oh. Oh, that's right, Stuart climbed on his lap and told him he fancied him. And then fucked his brains out.

He moves his head to look at Stuart - it's only a matter of looking to one side, really. Stuart's asleep. Vince watches him breathe for a while before Stuart says "Vince, if you're just going to lie there, make yourself useful, would you? Get us some coffee."

Vince looks down to where Stuart's hanging onto him like a limpet. "I might if someone would let me move."

Stuart grumble and detaches, rolling over. "Now fuck off and make the coffee, would you?"

Vince grins slightly. "Take it that's two milks and four sugars, then?"

"You do not do that to decent espresso, Vince. Philistine."

"Oh, right, six sugars, and use skimmed milk. I hear and obey." He gets up, pulling on a pair of boxers from the floor before making his way to the kitchen and turning on the espresso machine. When he comes back, Stuart's huddled up in the duvet, only his hair sticking out. However, he does stick one hand out of the duvet for his coffee, before poking his head out.

"I swear, Vince, if you've done anything horrible to this, I'll kill you."

"Me?" Vince loves being able to look innocent sometimes. Works wonders. Unfortunately, it's never worked on Stuart or Hazel.

Stuart sips it gingerly, then states "Twat," on finding that there's no sugar in it. "Knew even you wouldn't do that to decent coffee."

"There's always a first time." Vince says, sitting on the bed and sipping at his.

"Your death will be sudden and painful." Stuart replies, sitting up a bit to drink his. That gets finished in silence as Stuart inhales his caffeine fix. Only then does he look up, disentangling himself from the duvet and getting out of bed. "I'm going for a shower. You coming?"

"Er, yes. Give me a minute." Vince says, fumbling with the duvet corner he'd pulled over his leg. He's a bit unsure where this is going - Stuart clearly wants him and chased him to get him into bed, the problem is what happens after the shower. He knows exactly what happens after the shower, normally. The shag gets kicked out, never to darken Stuart's duvet area again. Thing is, is he just a shag or -

His 90-mile-an-hour panic zone gets interrupted by Stuart looming over him. "Vince, get your arse moving, or do I have to drag you?"

"I, um, I was going to -" That's cut off by Stuart rolling his eyes and sighing in his most put-upon way, grabbing his hand, jerking him to his feet and literally dragging him into the ensuite. He steps into the shower after Vince, pressing up against him as he reaches round to turn the water on.

Vince yelps. "It's cold!"

"Don't be such a baby, Vince, it'll take two seconds to warm up." Stuart says, sliding his hands round Vince's waist and tonguing the spot below Vince's ear.

"It's the two seconds I'm worried about. What if the heating's gone on the blink?"

"The amount I pay, it fucking well better not." Stuart says, nibbling Vince's earlobe, sliding his hands down and then stopping. "Vince."

"Yes?"

"Why the fuck have you still got your boxers on?" Stuart asks, lifting his head to stare at him.

Vince blinks, mesmerised slightly by wet Stuart, then flushes a bit. "You didn't give me a chance to take them off on the way."

"Details, always bloody details. You're the one supposed to be taking care of that kind of thing, it's the big plans that're my job." Stuart tuts, peeling them off him and shoving them down to the floor, before kicking them into the corner once Vince has stepped out of them, clinging to Stuart as he does. "Better." He slides his hands up Vince's arse again, then frowns at his expression. "Stop thinking, will you?"

"I can't stop thinking, it just happens." Vince says.

"Have to find a way to make you stop, then." Stuarts smirks, sliding down to kneel on the floor. Vince gulps and makes sure he's got at least some wall behind him, because slipping and falling in the shower while someone's giving you a blowjob is never a good idea.

\----

After the shower, Stuart gets them some breakfast, gets dressed and then drives Vince over to his so he can get changed for work. When he drops him off at work, he spots Frank from Accounting, smirks, grabs Vince by his tie and pulls him in for a quick snog. Vince blinks when Stuart pulls back, straightening his tie automatically. "What was that for?"

Stuart just grins and slips his sunglasses on. "I'll pick you up later, alright?"

"Okay then, normal time. We going out tonight?"

"Depends on how I feel. Was thinking of videos, maybe."

Janice eyes him speculatively later when they're sorting out the nappies section. "What?"

"Did you get a shag last night?" She asks. "You've been looking awfully dazed all morning. You didn't run into Cameron again, did you?"

"Cameron?" Vince shakes his head. "Nah, that controlling twat's long gone." To be honest, he hasn't thought of him in months. "Just a bit confused, though."

"What about? Did you get a shag?" She pauses. "Not a new boyfriend, is it?"

"Don't think so." Vince replies.

"Well, tell us when you get it sorted. At least one of us is getting a sex life round here." She says, pulling the Huggies from the back of the shelf forward and brushing a bit of dust off them. "Honestly, I'm going to kill that Jimmy. I've told him three times about pulling the older stock forward, but it never seems to sink in."

"He's new, he'll learn." Vince says, handing her the 6 months ones.

End of the day, Stuart picks him up, and true to his word, it's video night. Stuart's in the mood for something epic with lots of scenery, so they pick Lawrence of Arabia. Peter O'Toole when he was young and immensely pretty. Omar Sharif's not bad, either. Vince can never quite get over the fact that Claude Rains has grey hair in this. Stuart points out that he says this every bloody time they watch it, then lodges a hand up Vince's t-shirt and keeps it there through the entire film, even when he ends up with his head in Vince's lap, though he changes hands for that.

End of the film, Stuart yawns, stretches, and levers himself up out of Vince's lap. "Not bad." He reaches for the remote, turning it off, then leans into Vince and kisses him. "You coming to bed?"

"Um, okay." Vince says. "Just give me a minute to stick these in the dishwasher, will you?" He leans down, picking up the plates as Stuart draws back.

"The romance has already gone." Stuart grins. "I'll give you a hand. Need a drink anyway."

After everything's in the dishwasher, Stuart hooks a hand into Vince's belt and snogs him, tugging him along to the bedroom, with a stop-off against the wall. Vince is still too confused to do anything but respond, though admittedly it's not a real hardship.

After day three of this, Vince is half-way to off-balance. He's lying in Stuart's bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. He can't for the life of him figure out where this has come from. Stuart's decided that he fancies Vince, therefore he's shagging Vince. Vince is pretty sure he hasn't morphed into a sex god, but it's not like Stuart of all people could mistake him for someone else. He's feeling very confused, and a little bit peeved, since it's not like Stuart even really asked, just latched onto him and hasn't let go. Mind you, he can't exactly say he's given Stuart the impression that he's objecting.

Night four, he meets Stuart at Via Fossa along with Hazel and the rest. "You're late." Hazel says. "Give us a hug."

"Yeah, sorry, I had this meeting, it went on for ages and I couldn't get away." Vince says, returning it. "Seen Stuart?"

"Over at the bar, getting a drink." Hazel says.

Vince looks over to where Stuart's making his way through the crowd, carrying four drinks. "I'll go give him a hand, he's struggling a bit."

"Can't have any drinks spilled, that's true." Hazel agrees.

Stuart gives him a look, then grins when Vince takes two of the drinks off him. "Took your time getting here. Where were you when I needed to throttle Alex?"

"Meeting, I'm sure you've heard of those."

"Yeah, yeah, now get the drinks to the starving hordes. They're practically baying for it."

"They're not that bad." Vince protests.

"You didn't see them earlier. The beer's yours, by the way."

"Cheers." Vince replies, setting the g'n't down in front of Hazel. Stuart puts his down, then slings an arm round Vince's waist. "Stuart, gerroff."

"Nope." Stuart says cheerfully.

Vince shakes his head in Hazel's direction. "He's terrible, he is."

"No different from usual, love." Hazel says. "So, where were you the other night?"

"Stayed in and had a video night." Vince replies.

"Anything good?" Hazel asks. "I've been meaning to see that new Ewan Macgregor one. Rumour has it he doesn't get his todger out in this one, which is at least new."

"There's one lad you know exactly what you're getting." Alex remarks. "Not bad at all."

"Better than some I've had, definitely." Hazel says, grinning. "So what was it? Don't tell me you made Stuart watch Doctor Who again, did you?"

"Nah. Lawrence of Arabia." Stuart says.

"Always fancied Omar Sharif in that more than I did Peter O'Toole when I was a girl. Too pretty, he was. What was it they said, any prettier and it'd be Florence of Arabia?"

"I'd shag 'im." Alex says. "Mind you, who wouldn't?"

"Not my type." Vince says.

Babylon. Vince keeps an eye on Stuart, wondering who he's picking tonight, watching the Jones eye go over the crowd, measuring them up. However, Stuart shrugs and tugs him onto the dancefloor, til they're dancing like nutters and lost in the music. The dj moves it from fast and hard to slow, base throbbing. Stuart grins, and Vince grins back, high as a kite on the adrenaline.

"You're a nutter, you are." Stuart says, leaning in to make himself heard before pulling Vince in for a slower dance.

They're about halfway through the song when Stuart leans in and kisses him. Just a gentle peck, nothing new in the Stuart and Vince double-act. Stuart pulls back, bringing his hand up to thumb Vince's mouth, drawing down his lower lip with it before taking Vince's face in both hands and giving him a long, drawn-out snog. And when they say drawn-out, they mean drawn-out. To the extent that they get a few wolf-whistles from the regulars. Vince is very sure that that one with the extra trills at the end was the dj. Breathe and Stuart pulls back a bit, rubbing Vince's cheekbones before snogging him again.

This time when they break, Vince realises that this isn't exactly like the normal times Stuart's snogged him in front of everyone. He's not doing it to put someone else off, and it's not flirt-with-Vince-for-the-fun-of-it, which normally leaves him panting at the end of the night, or the crumbs Stuart occasionally throws out, and it's not the type they normally exchange when they're twatted. Stuart has every intention of taking Vince home tonight and carrying on with what they've been doing for the past few days. It's just that he's stated it in letters ten feet high to the world, or at least the part that revolves around Canal Street. With that realisation, Vince tries to keep the dazed look far away for the rest of the time they're in there, dancing like nutters and avoiding Hazel and Alexander, because he's just not in the mood for being shrieked at.

End of the night, they tumble out onto the street, not stopping groping each other all the way to Stuart's flat and all the way up in the lift and while Vince pulls the keys out of Stuart's pocket so they can reach the nearest soft surface as fast as possible.

Next morning, which is Saturday, there's a banging on the door, which Stuart gets since Vince is in the shower. Jerking it open reveals Nathan, Dane, Alexander, Hazel and Bernie. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Oh, nothing. We're just curious." Hazel smirks as she puts out an arm to sweep him to one side so the rest can get in the flat.

"We were wondering what you'd taken, actually." Nathan says.

"Nothing." Stuart scowls. "Now will you fuck off?"

"Sorry, dear, developed a sudden form of paralysis in me legs." Hazel says, smiling sweetly. "Bernie, it looks like you've got it too, isn't that right?"

"Terrible affliction, affects the old and young." Bernie agrees. "So what was it you were on last night?"

"You can fuck off, too." Stuart states.

"Is my son around?" Hazel asks sweetly.

"He's in the shower, and he doesn't need to see you lot this time of the morning."

"In the shower is he? So you actually followed through for the first time in your life. Wonders never cease."

Nathan stares. "You shagged Vince. No way."

"Well, it's what you all came round here to check on, isn't it?" Stuart demands. "Do you want to go inspect the bin and do a dna test on the condoms? I shagged him, and I'm going to keep on shagging him as long as I feel like it. Now fuck off and find homes to go to."

Vince wanders out in a towel, stops dead on seeing everyone else, and flushes bright red. "Oh my god, tell me I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing."

"Sorry, love, it's all true." Hazel commiserates.

Alexander is practically vibrating. "You understand that we're going to want details. Chocolate there has just informed us that this isn't just a one-off, so naturally we're very curious."

"Um, it's not -"

"Not for bloody public consumption." Stuart says, stalking over and wrapping himself around Vince's back, hands settling on his stomach. "Now you've seen it, you can all piss off. The door's over there, don't let it hit you on the way out." With that, he turns them round and walks the two of them in the direction of the bedroom.

Dane leans back a bit, crossing his arms. "Well, that went interestingly. What do you think?"

"I think they're bloody insane, but it's about time." Bernie says.

"I can't believe he actually shagged Vince." Nathan says. "What do you suppose was actually going through his head?"

"Personally, I think Cameron'd been niggling at Stuart for simply ages." Alex says. "Nothing like seeing your toy ignoring you to realise how much you actually want it. Stuart's got a bad case of 'mine'."

"Could be right there." Hazel comments. "Reckon we'll just have to sit back and see how it turns out."

\----

It's fantastic. Really, really fantastic. They gel well, the sex is great, and the relationship doesn't change all that much except for the sex and Stuart ignoring anyone who tries to pull him. When he tries to figure out why it hasn't changed much, Hazel and Alex point out that they were most of their way to boyfriends as it was. Quite sickening in fact. Well, that and half his clothes ending up at Stuart's, along with several videos and dvds. Apparently most of work thought that Stuart was his boyfriend anyway.

Month four is when the ecstatic high wears off. They're at a club in London, and Stuart's watching the crowd. He nudges Vince, and points at one completely gorgeous bloke with his shirt off and a tattoo winding its way up his chest. "Would you look at that. Shouldn't be allowed."

Vince nods. "Definitely gorgeous. Best here, you think?"

Stuart shrugs. "Maybe. Haven't looked at the rest yet. You want another?" He asks, nodding at Vince's mostly empty glass.

"Hmm? No, I'm fine."

"I'll find you in a bit. I'm off to the bar." Stuart says, and starts making his way through the crowd in the direction of the bar. As Vince watches him squeeze through, he can see at least five blokes he knows are fitter than him give Stuart a once-over, and it wouldn't have been all that long ago that Stuart would've given them a once-over right back, judging them and if they passed the test, he'd probably have buggered off to the loos with them and taken a good half-hour to come back to Vince. That's if he didn't just decide to bugger off full stop. He really doesn't get sometimes why Stuart's chosen him, since he could have anyone he bloody wants. Vince has seen him do it a thousand times. What's keeping him is even more of a mystery. He knows for a fact Stuart's been faithful, which is nothing short of miraculous for the King of Canal Street, mister never the same shag twice. He'd know, because Alex and Hazel would've told him by now, since Alex definitely isn't the type to let feelings get in the way of a good bit of gossip, never mind his mum.

Stuart's never said anything about it except for that first night when he told him he fancied him. He never even asked Vince if he wanted this, just assumed and got on with it. Okay, he was right, it's been one of the solid tenets of their relationship pre-this that Vince fancied Stuart like mad. So Stuart fancies him. Just because he fancies someone hasn't ever stopped Stuart going off for someone else that he did. The comment that everyone used to say about him and Stuart, that one day Stuart'll have shagged everyone and there Vince'll be, waiting. The implication being that Stuart'll only go for Vince when he's had everyone else. When he's finally got old and started slowing down. Vince stares into his mostly-empty glass. Stuart did say that he was the only one he was interested in anymore, which in a certain light sounds a lot like 'last one left; shagged everyone else, time to settle down with my best mate'. He made that comment about getting old last week when they were getting Hazel's shopping in, never mind his thirtieth. Fuck. What if he's the consolation prize?

Stuart comes back with two drinks in hand while he's still lost in thought. "Here, got you one anyway."

"Oh. Cheers."

"What's got into you? You've turned into a moody twat all of a sudden."

"It's nothing, honest." Vince protests. "Just thinking about something."

"Well stop it." Stuart glances back in the direction of the bar, and a big Swedish bloke grins back. Stuart puts an arm round Vince, and smiles back pointedly, the meaning being 'fuck off, with boyfriend'. "Christ. Some people just can't take no for an answer."

Vince grins at that. "Like you ever do?"

"I can take no for an answer."

"Like last week?"

"That was different, Hazel was being stupid and refusing to let me pay her electric bill. Like I haven't been paying it on occasion for years now." He shrugs. "Took care of it when I stepped outside the door as it was."

The rest of the night's great, but the consolation prize thought keeps returning. He doesn't want to be anyone's consolation prize, even Stuart's. If he's the bloody consolation prize, and Stuart's with him because he's settling for him, there's nothing to stop him going off with someone else, trading Vince in for a shinier, newer model and making for pastures new.

\----

The doubt keeps reappearing, its voice getting stronger. There's no doubt Stuart wants him, but ... The 'but' keeps looming larger. Two months after the club, Vince makes a decision. He can see where it's going. Much as he likes - loves this, the niggling'll still be there. Consolation prize, not knowing where he stands, and soon enough that'll be bigger in his head than anything else. Besides, too long like this and he'll be in too deep, too comfortable to get out and make a decision.

So that's it. He starts moving bits of his stuff that found a home at Stuart's back to his flat, until there's not much more than a boxworth left at Stuart's. Stuart gets home to find Vince standing there, hands in his pockets and shifting from foot-to-foot nervously.

"What the fuck's up with you?" Stuart asks. "You trying for the Manchester guilt prize or something?"

"I, um." Vince pauses, looking down at the box at his feet. "I'm moving out."

"Didn't know you'd moved in properly." Stuart says, raising an eyebrow. "Found somewhere better than your old place?"

"No, I'm moving back to my old place."

"What the fuck for?" Stuart asks.

"I - I need a break to get my head sorted."

Stuart gives him a look. "You don't bloody need your head sorted, Vince, unless it's about this break business." His eyes narrow. "So why?"

"I - it's just too much, all right?" Vince says, picking up the box. "It's not you, you're great, I just - you never even asked, did you? Just steamrolled right in like you do with everything, and suddenly I'm your boyfriend, hands off everyone else, and hello being Stuart Alan Jones' consolation prize."

"I didn't hear any sodding complaints. Fine. Fuck off. Consolation prize. Christ, Vince, I knew you were insecure sometimes but this is ridiculous. Fuck off then if you don't appreciate me." Stuart says, pulling off his tie and marching towards the bathroom, tossing one last comment over his shoulder. "I'm sure I can find someone who'll appreciate me quickly enough as it is."

Vince looks at his feet again, then walks out the door, leaning against it to take a deep breath. There. He's done it. Now he can figure out what the hell it is he wants - it's not like Stuart even said anything.

The news spreads fast enough, at least when Hazel rings up Stuart to speak to Vince. "My son there?"

"How the fuck should I know, Hazel?"

"Well, last I looked he was your boyfriend."

"He fucking well broke up with me, all right, Hazel? Said he needed space or some such bollocks. Something about being taken for granted, when it's normally me who's being taken for granted by everyone, sod how I feel about it. I walk in, he's standing at the door with a box and telling me he's moving out."

\---

Alex sits down, carrying two coffees, one with a ridiculous amount of froth. He puts the frothless one in front of Vince. "That new barista's gorgeous, and he definitely winked at me. You, Vince, are an idiot."

Vince groans. "Don't. I've already got this from Hazel."

"Maybe you need it again. You break up with Chocolate just because you're feeling insecure. Is thirty the new mid-life crisis or something?"

"I did not get a mid-life crisis."

"Yes you did. Next you'll be out picking up young twinks and dressing in hotpants. Lovely as your bum is, that look is really not you." Alex puts his coffee back on the table. "Mind you, as long as the twinks are good-looking, it's not like anyone would blame you."

"I don't think I've ever dressed in hotpants." Vince blinks.

"Yes you have. Hazel has photos and I've seen them, they were denim. You were terribly cute but you're not twenty any more, sweetheart." Alex pauses, watching a couple go by in his and his tight denim. "Anyway, I heard local gossip is that Stuart's been moping and not bothering to pull. You've ruined his highness for everyone else. There's people got it in for you now, just wait and see. You'll be on wanted posters on loo walls everywhere."

"Oh, like he hadn't had everyone anyway." Vince snorts.

Alex shrugs, sipping from his mug. "I'm just repeating what I've heard. Stuart Alan Jones has lost his mojo, and you're the cause."

\---

A few weeks later, Vince opens the door to Hazel's to find Stuart in the middle of arguing about something with Hazel in the hallway. "Um, should I leave you to it?"

"It's alright love, Stuart is just being stubborn."

"Hazel, I am not being stubborn, if you'd just get off your bloody high horse -"

"This is my life, Stuart Alan Jones, I don't need -"

"Is this anything I should know about?" Vince tries again. "Stuart, I -"

"And I also don't bloody need any advice from you of all people." Stuart says to Hazel, then turns his head and snaps "Oh, fuck off, Vince." He shoves past Vince, then slams the door behind him as he leaves.

Hazel glares at Vince. "Now look what you've done."

"Me? What've I done?" Vince protests.

"Oh, stop being a bloody stupid idiot, get out there and apologise." She says, pointing imperiously at the door Stuart's just exited from. "Go on, bloody go then. If you're not quick enough he'll be gone."

The door shuts behind Vince as he scurries out after Stuart. Hazel watches as he runs down the street. "Pissing it down out there. Do you think I should've told him to take the brolly?"

Alex waves his hand. "It'll ruin the drama of the moment. Besides, they're prettier when they're wet."

"Stuart, wait a minute!" Vince cries as he catches up with Stuart, who's looking up into the rain. Stuart always did do tragic well. Right now he's in the running for Heathcliff, if you wanted to set it in Manchester.

Stuart looks in his direction and scowls. "What do you want, Vince?"

"I'm a twat."

"Tell me something new."

"How about I'm an insecure twat who didn't believe anyone'd want me for me, especially not you? You're Stuart Alan Jones, king of Canal Street, can have anyone you want. I couldn't get it round my head you'd want me."

Stuart rolls his eyes. "Yes, you're an insecure twat, Vince. Now get to the point."

"Well, being that I'm an insecure twat, I'll probably keep on being an insecure twat at times, and you'll have to deal with Hazel, is there any way to say I'm an idiot, I shouldn't have left, and oh god this just keeps getting worse. Why aren't you stopping me?"

Stuart's grinning the grin of the very amused. "Because it's more fun that way, Vince."

"So, um, any chance of - completely understand why you wouldn't want to, considering the insecure twat factor -"

Stuart reaches forward and grabs him by the shirt. 'Vince."

"Yes?"

"Shut the fuck up, will you?" Stuart says, pulling him forward and kissing him.

Pull apart. "So, um, is that a sort of yes?"

Another eye-roll from Stuart. "Vince, I put up with Doctor Who for you."

"Oh."

"Though I'd have shagged Peter Davidson. And that red-headed alien."

"Turlough." Vince grins, then looks up at the rain, which is still pissing it down, then catches sight of Hazel and Alex watching through the window. They see that he's noticed and wave cheerily. "This must look like one of the end of one of those soppy romance films. Oh my god, it's Four Weddings and a Funeral."

Stuart groans. "If you ask me to agree not to marry you, I'll kill you."

Vince tilts his head to look at him. "You'd look stupid in a big hat anyway."

"Vince, if you keep going on about Andie Macdowell I'm going to find someone else. Someone normal. Like Paul McGann's Doctor. I'd've shagged him."

"You? You couldn't handle normal. You'd get bored. And you know Paul McGann doesn't count, you told me so yourself." Vince pauses. "Actually, if you go by the books and radio stuff, he was bisexual, did you know that?"

"He would have been if he met me, I know that." Stuart says, then groans. "I'm already regretting this decision."

In the spectator zone, Alex tilts his head thoughtfully. "What're they arguing about now?"

"Don't ask me, I could never tell. At least they're snogging, so I suspect they've made up." Hazel says.

"Oh, like you didn't have the bets in that it would take them all of two minutes." Pause. "My word. You think it's legal to do that in the street?"

"Stuart and self-control are not words that have ever shared the same hemisphere, my lad. You should've learned that by now." Hazel sighs. "Well, I've seen enough. Fancy a cuppa?"

"Oooo, you read my mind."

And they lived happily ever after. Stuart was quite happy to watch the new series when that came on a few years later, and even watched Dancing on Ice for Vince. Though he drew the line at How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria.

THE END.


End file.
